Friday, August 26, 2011

Letter from my Cervélo R3

Dear Owner,

It has now been a year since you bought me, so its an appropriate time for me to express some of my thoughts and concerns. First, some of the positives:

- Thank you for taking such great care of me, even at the expense of spending time with your family and friends. Nothing makes me feel more wanted than a nice foamy bath every week. Make no mistake though, I'll happily crush any competition with dirt and mud on me, but being clean makes me feel sexy. 

- Thank you also for pairing me up with some nice company. Mr. Shimano was kind enough to send over a speedy drivetrain, and the Zipp brothers seem to be the talk of town (eat your heart out Schleck brothers.. pfftt!). Ms. Fiz is generally nice too but seems to eek (ik) a lot under your umm... healthy posterior. She's also been complaining of that "wood" you get while riding me...

Unfortunately, I have not much else positive to say. Now for my concerns:

- I must say I am quite disappointed in you as a rider. The bar my aunties and uncles set, crushing the competition at Paris-Roubaix and up Alpe d'Huez, is very high and quite frankly you are nowhere even close. Please grow some bigger balls, and while you're doing that please don't quit your day job...

- Please stop riding me for your "zone 1 and 2" workouts. Its really not ok with me to be passed by mountain bikers and tricycles. What an embarrassment! Mr. Fuji will happily be your ride. Take him out next time for your girlie spins.

- Please stop being a cheapskate and purchase a slim, streamlined, preferably aero bike wedge to store the Zipp brothers' spare tubes and air. Mr. Fuji has been complaining that my ass looks too big and it hurts my feelings.    

- While I understand that you are not made out of carbon fiber (not everybody is perfect), it does trouble me how feeble your bones are. I did not appreciate sitting in your living room for months while you were apparently recovering from knee surgery. Bottom line is I am meant to be ridden, so please don't do that again.

- Lastly, please shave your legs regularly. At least you can pretend to be a real cyclist.

Your Cervélo R3

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